My dad and I have been talking on the phone a lot lately. I never was good at communicating with him in the past. I would get so busy with my own life and just forget to call or write. And truthfully he and I used to fight. He would say things, I would get defensive, we both would argue and then we would end hanging up and not talking to each other for a long time. I didn't really understand my dad and I didn't think he liked me or approved of me. He seemed to always be critical of me. I have tried hard to not be that way in my own life, but I think I was doing the same thing to him. I know that I have done well to not be critical of my own children, but yet I was critical of my dad.
I just wanted my dad to say that he thought I was doing well, respected my decisions, even though they were different than what he would do, and not have him dwell on my past mistakes. But I never really stopped to listen to him, or to respect his decisions even though they were different than what I would do, or stop dwelling on his past mistakes.
Well, maybe we both have grown up a bit (I am 58 and he is 87), but now in our phone conversations we don't seem to be doing a lot of blaming of past problems, and I think we are both respecting each others decisions.
I am learning more and more about what he was like when he was growing up and why he is the way he is during these weekly, sometimes biweekly, phone calls. Recently he and I were talking about how he tried and tried to get his parents to recognize his accomplishments and give him some praise, even a little bit. He worked hard on the farm that his family worked (they didn't own their own farm most of the time) in southern Ohio. He worked for other farms and was even able to raise enough money to purchase a refrigerator for his parents - their first refrigerator. He doesn't remember them saying thank you for that gift. There were other things that he did to try to get them to like him. Maybe they did love him, but he didn't feel like they did and this need to please others to get recognition for his accomplishments carried over into his adult life.
My dad served in the army (503rd parachute infantry regiment), was a Zenith TV repairman (back when there were tubes and transistors) and a production engineer at Lear Seigler for 14 years. He provided a very nice home for his family of wife and three kids. I remember that he converted a Volkswagen bus into a "travel trailer" putting in a table and bench seats that converted into bunk beds for everyone to sleep - kind of the first conversion van, I guess. We took that on at least one "out-west" vacation. We were exposed to fishing, camping, horseback riding, the Grand Canyon, and Yellowstone Park.
Growing up I wanted to please my parents and felt that no matter what I did, it was never enough. Maybe since Dad had the same experience with his parents, he was unable to change the pattern with us kids. Maybe his parents also experienced the same thing when they were growing up. It certainly would explain his attitude. I think in some ways because he never received recognition for his accomplishment growing up he was still trying to find that recognition from others in his adult life. Feeling good about yourself without worrying about what others think is a hard thing to learn as you grow up especially if you have never had the prerequisite praise while growing up. At some point you have to learn it, but everyone learns it at different times.
But it doesn't hurt for us to look around us and notice the accomplishments of others and let them know that you appreciate them. It will speed up the process of others feeling good about themselves so that they can then praise others and make them feel good.
Better late than never - I appreciate my dad and all that he has done. He is very thrifty and frugal (something that I certainly can learn from) and has very high standards for neatness and cleanliness. I know that I take after him in my work ethic. He is a very hard worker and if he was able to he would be still working today. He plays to win and hate to lose (bridge and cribbage) and has a great sense of humor.
One of his latest accomplishments which has just blown me away is that at the age of 87 he is now on the Internet. He completes Sudoku puzzles every day on the internet (I cannot complete a puzzle that isn't Easy). Most people his age cannot even turn on a computer, much less get connected to the internet, use email, and monitor Facebook. I have clients that are less computer literate than he is. So I congratulate him on this accomplishment. Having dad have access to the internet makes it easier to communicate with him. I can see when he is online and then call him on the phone. I think the next thing will be for me to send him a microphone so that we can Skype. :)
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